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Wednesday, 17 February 2010

  • I should be

    finishing my homework, showering, and getting ready to go to tech and class.


    but i can't stop thinking about how much i miss you. how the hell did that happen in 4 months? 4 months is nothing, a dew in the pool or life. or some other stupid analogy of the sort.

    to be blunt, absence not only makes my heart grow fonder, it makes my head crazy! Gah!

    I feel like the little kid right before Christmas and the wait is SO badly hurting right now. Just knock me out or something.

    Wow. I don't think I've been this excited to see some one for a really long time.

    With all of the craziness of the past few weeks, you rushing to finish all of your stuff, the both of us doing theatre, we haven't spent any quality time together since opening week. The show already closed.

    That's about a month. So really, can we call tomorrow our 3 month since we spent one month running around not really being a couple?

    to be honest, it bothers me that the parting really bothered me and you didn't seem to mind it at all. it hurt too. i keep trying to reach out to you, but it's not reciprocated.

    well, you're still out of town and super busy for the next few days so i will stop annoying you while my crazy heart finds some other way to occupy itself.

    the sucky part is that once you're back, i get really busy.

    i also have a sneaking suspicion that all of those items you "won for me" you got bc you wanted to compete with the boys and this was a free present for me as an after thought sort of a thing. no thought was put into it, only you competing against your guy friends. you might as well give it to your mom, there's nothing personal in it.


    i need more respect from you. and i want to talk to you about this. but i can't until you get back.


    gah! there, there are the contents of my brain.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

  • Frustrated! I am SO FRUSTRATED!

    FUCKING BOOKSTORE OLD LADY CLERK!


    You told me that I could return books until 2 o'clock on Saturday for a full refund. Turns out the douche who locked up in front of my at 1:05 had the correct information and not the little old lady. So the bookstore closed at 1 pm, not at 2. So he proceeded to lock up with me holding a very expensive textbook in my hand that I had just scraped the money to buy online for cheaper. I have never been more tempted to throw a rock through the window. DEAR GOD.

    I am going to fuck that ass hole if it's the last thing that I do, both metaphorically and literally.

    Yesterday sucked. Today has sucked. And now my history teacher put up lecture slides that my computer cannot access. Mother fucker. And the link that she put up to help Macs view the slides leads to a very confusing general Mac info website.


    At least I had In N Out with John this morning. That was awesome. Mmmmm. In N Out....I really hope they build one right near the school.

    Also, other than frustrations, everything is going great. Things are on track with my grades, I have been looking at places I never considered before and the world of possibilities is really opening up. My grade point average has never been better, the volunteer work at the Red Cross is really gratifying, work in the theatre is awesome ( I just got offered potentially another job...but shhh!), John is wonderful. Friends are there for me and I get to feed people! I have turned into a little baking machine, but I love it.



    I HATE STUPID TEACHERS, STUPID PEOPLE, STUPID SITUATIONS, AND BEING BROKE!!!!!


    Trying to figure out what I want to do with the summer is a beast that I have yet to approach, but I know I need to.

    In the works: road trip to Ashland! Road trip to Magic Mountain! DISNEYLAND! Spa/Napa with my mom :), Visiting New York for schools, and basically living life to the fullest!



    WOW I am ADHD in these posts...whatever.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

  • Thank You

    Thank goodness that is over and done with. Of course I made a mountain out of a molehill, but screw it. It's hard to logically control your emotions when everything bursting from you is illogical.

    I'm thankful for every little part of life. I've found a sort of peace, a limbo of serenity and passive acceptance. It's wonderful. Life is precious.

    Every memory, every moment is exquisite in either pain, happiness, and/or experience. Sometimes I take a step back from petty thoughts and really admire what is around. This is going to sound crazy, but I'm amazed sometimes at the sensation of touch. It's something that is taken for granted, but it's truly wonderous. I mean, it sounds crazy (yeah, lock me up up up and away), but the ability to run my fingers over his skin or to feel the luxurious softness of my blanket is humbling.


    I don't believe that you can know what your purpose, your resolution so to speak, is supposed to be at the beginning of the year. The things you are meant to experience have a purpose. And kind of like the "Choose your own ending!" stories that everyone read as kids, my ending and my path is unfolding.

    Currently, 2010 seems to be going on a course of humility. I am sick of myself, I am sick of recriminations, I am sick of being disgusted with myself and the self-centered view of being constantly focused on my self - hate.

    Hating yourself is an addiction. I've acknowledged that I have a problem. Now it's time to be humble.

    Whatever happens, I love life. Precious, precious life.

    My tattoo is going to say "Spokoj" which means peace/serenity in Polish. Hopefully having it on my heart will help have it be in my heart as well.


    All the best anyone who still reads this. I don't think anyone really does anymore, but this xanga has become an old friend to me. Good luck kids. :)

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

  • Clarity

    I now know why I am nervous. I'm angry at myself because I worked DAMN hard to forget about this and move on. Walking back in, seeing things all over again, being back in the same position I was months ago - I am FURIOUS at myself that I haven't gotten over all of it.

    And I can't believe the un-professionalism of having all of the crying, hyperventilating, and stress hit me at rehearsal. Thankfully it was a during break, but I cannot let myself carry anything from my personal life into work. It's unfair to every one that I work with and it is unfair to the show.

    However angry I get at myself though, I know that it's because I am channeling my fear from the anticipation of tomorrow into hate directed at myself. I have to stop this and I have to stop being afraid.

    Thank God for Noelle. She's probably the reason why I am not either dead or in a psychiatric hospital under lock and key. People under estimate her. They call her cold, cynical, bitter, and hard. Clearly they don't know the real me. I laugh a lot, but what else can I do? If I didn't laugh out my cynicism via sarcastic comments I would most likely walk around and shoot people.

    Whatever. I have to get over myself.

    Life goes on. There are lots of good things, beautiful places, moments, and people. I am so frustrated that I had started to see the beauty in things again and then I remember everything all over again. And this time because I am living and not numb like before, the memories hurt more than the real life experience did.


    Noelle's right. This is going to follow me for the rest of my life. If only I could always walk around with it forgotten.

Monday, 11 January 2010

  • This is not good.

    I am antsy, I'm on edge, and I feel like I am waiting for something, only I don't know what. This isn't hormones, so I am at a loss as to why I am feeling myself become more stressed/anxious by the hour. Weird. Am I in denial about something? Razzle is coming up, but that's exciting. I am a tad stressed about it, but the good anticipatory sort of stress. I am looking forward to it, so that can't be the root of this.

    As a side note, typing on a real keyboard feels weird after having typed solely on a laptop keyboard. It's like switching from an electronic keyboard to a baby grand piano. Huh. The keys feel weird.


    Ok, nevermind. That is not the point of this. The point is that I don't know what has me worried! This intuition thing is not fun. It's stupid, illogical, and altogether makes mountains out of molehills. I wish I was born a boy. None of this woman's intuition crap.

    Are gut feelings something that you should follow or even pay attention to?

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mika_miru

  • Visit mika_miru's Xanga Site
    • Name: Ewa
    • Location: United States
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 10/14/2004

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About Me

  • Im in college and I love it. I love singing and little things make me happy. I laugh at everything you say. Whether it's funny or not and I am also very sarcastic. Every experience yields good and bad in equal measure, just not at the same time.

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